Sunday, March 04, 2007

ok my rabbit, brownie just gave birth 6 days ago to three cute brownie. here are some pictures.

Noozlie 9:23 AM

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Why am i so hopeless??? till when must i depend on my parents?? i really feel very bad.. my parents always come with money wheni needed them for school.. n they have spent alot on me.. even her have spent alot on me.. i am so hopeless.. in order to get a job.. i have to get a certificate.. how to get a certificate when i need a job badly?? get it?? how to pay for a certificate when u need a job badly.. this is sickening.. can i pay my parents back?? how can i pay my parents back?? i wonder if i have the future to payback my parents.. n even so if i get a job.. i do not know if i can support myself.. how bout my younger sis?? calling myself a guy.. calling myself the only son in the familly.. a hopeless son.. what the hell.. damn it.. i hate this.. what am i doing?? i wonder if this path im walking is the correct path.. being u musician.. is it the correct path?? i wonder.. but i got a feeling that being a musician for me wont work out.. how can i flutist like me be like my teacher.. my teacher is like god.. i mean his playing is like in god mode.. flawless even when he played slackedly.. what the hell.. issit abit too late to start learning from 15yrs old onwards.. n only had a private flute teacher when im 18yrs old.. n now im 20yrs old... if only i start playing from when i was 7yrs old.. things might be abit different.. maybe alot more different.. k now.. i just realise that im commiting suicide.. joining the competition, having ATCL diploma exam n blablablablaaa.... haiz... exams!!! i love you.. she gave me strength today.. i showed her a bit of my sedness.. i showed her the me that who is not patient anymore.. i showed her a bit of my dark side.. but then she showed me the light.. i love you dear..

Noozlie 10:43 PM

Thursday, August 03, 2006

suddenly i feel like blogging.. how long have it been..?? hahaha.. and tmrw im off to KL.. was looking forward for it so i can come back home quick.. if not.. im gonna be missing smone badly.. hows my life now? i wonder.. its confusing.. i am happy.. very happy.. at the same time, sad. worried. well.. there are a few reasons behind it. first of all, again this topic.. how far can i go as a flautist?? i wonder.. ive been hearing a lot of ppl saying that i can go far.. but smhow the doubts in me is like, undescribe-able.. the way i play, is far than the standard that im suppose to be at.. n now i dunnoe hw a i gonna survive.. preparing a lot of piece now.. n its damn challenging repertoire.. im getting myself into trouble.. i still dunnoe if i should take my LTCL.. the cash, wont be existing.. n the time is very insufficient.. and the standard, still have an Everest to climb.. so yeah.. im in big trouble.. do u know how sad it is, to know that u have to let go one day, eventhough u do not one too.. worse still, the time u hae to let go, have alrdy been set n u know the time.. everyday, i will be thinking of that day.. its so sad that i even broke down n cry.. i still cant imagine how to let u go.. i love you more than anything else.. i really do.. other than that, im very happy.. im a happy man.. to see the face, glitters my day, everyday.. i cant say anything else other than being happy.. ok im totally lost to y the hell u give me such attitude towards me.. i tot ure a friend that i look up to, that i respect.. but im sick of ur attitude alrdy.. i though wrong.. ure not the person i know last time.. 4get it.. hope ure happy in life. smtimes 2 ppl cant be tgt.. nt even friends.. so be it that way.. im alrite with it.. im sure she too.. i think its better for her.. so yeah.. dont worry bout it dear.. DR.KAN IS CRAZY!!! k she's not crazy, she's just nuts, insane, brain damage n blabla!!!! she is spoon feeding us!!! imagine smone wants to feed u food!!! but instead the person gives u a list of ingredient.. n u have to find the ingredient, world-widely!!! and then on ur own, cook it.. n feed urself.. argh!!!!! thats all i have to say now.. ciaoz..

Noozlie 11:30 PM

Sunday, June 25, 2006

what a week i had.. how far can i go as a flautist? wat will i become?? playing first for orchestra.. gosh they must have the worse 1st flautist ever.. and den principal player for band.. y am i in such place when my standard is not even there for 2nd flautist for orc.. y r they looking up at a flautist who can even sightread.. y so many ppl believe in me? its scary.. they believe in the wrong person.. i cant play for nuts.. i dont understand those ppl.. regardless of how lousy i am.. they still look up at me.. i respect them.. its just that.. im a player who is not even there yet to be respected.. im afraid i cant be wat they want me to be.. am i cursed? with this disease i have.. my whole body.. instead of skin.. its looks like scales.. its look like some alien.. gosh.. every nite i suffer.. every nite i teared.. every nite i scratch.. everynite my bed smell of blood.. every nite i smell of corpse.. every nite i didnt sleep.. every nite i feel pain.. n every time i go to bath.. i teared.. the pain.. its just..... unbearable.. n my heart.. smtimes it aches.. pls God.. u wanna take me away.. do it asap.. i dont mind.. its all up to u.. i cant wait for them to be separated.. ive been hearing the divorce thingy my whole life.. i dont give a fuck anymore.. go ahead.. do wat yall want.. just dont drag me in.. if u do.. i hate both of u for life!! y am i getting sad everyday over smone who really care.. she probably hates u.. but y do u want to keep the friendship badly Nuzli?? y must you get so upset and u miss everything in the world.. n its been a week uve been like this.. gosh.. i tink i need to move on regardless of losing a friend.. but i cant do that.. i cant lose this one.. not just this very friend of mine.. im not giving it up.. not just yet.. thru all this time.. that friend is one of my closest.. i guess its just time.. need more time i guess.. but missing ya.. to my friends who have been trying to cheer me up.. dats wat i call friends.. thank you..

Noozlie 4:08 AM

Friday, May 26, 2006

the result of my bordam last nite i took out my young's sis drawing block n started drawing.. its been a long time since i last drew.. den when i took out the drawing paper, there's a roughly sketched sunflower.. k decided to finish it up.. n also decided to put some colours, since all my art works are black n white drawings n sketches.. haha... cant help it but dats my style.. but a sunflower without colour.. er.... n bit no life ah... its my first time i use colour in my art and my firstbtim im using colour pencils.. ouh i bought the faber castle.. n its damn ex lah.. so don't wanna waste.. as u can see.. its just the top part dats done.. this is when i finish up abit of the main leaf.. its kinda light.. n kinda too bright.. on the left leaf.. abit of shadings of 2 different browns.. k the left leaves done with 4 different kind of browns n kind of greens.. ahaha.. doesnt look i used dat many kind of colour.. and now the stem is almost done.. so everything is almost done.. but im not really satisfied with the main leaf.. too dull.. too blunt.. not enough colour.. n too green.. i used the wrong green for this.. doesnt match with the left leaves n stem... as u can see.. there's this reddish colour dat the stem and the left leaves dont have.. this is the wrong green.. hehe.. n brighter green... ouh well... this is the final touch.. main leaf was given more colour.. but still i dont really like it.. coz the gree doesnt match with the rest.. ouh well.. quite proud of it since this is my first time using colour pencils n my first artwork with colours.. i used 4 shades of browns, 2 shades of oranges, yellow, 3 shades of greens and.. i think dats all.. so wat dya think?? kinda ugly rite?? haha.. ouh well.. but i dont keep my artwork one.. sadly... haha.. ciaoz..

Noozlie 8:33 PM

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

the black box im trapped in i feel so lonely at home.. it feels like smthing big is missing in my life.. it feels like ive got nobody anymore.. wat is this feeling? i hate holidays.. at home all alone in my room.. thnking n thinking.. y must i think? n all i think is all bout the past.. memories.. well i have great memories n some bad ones.. eventhough the great memories gave me tears.. friendship of the past is great while the present is not.. eventhough friends are everything to me, but i feel like, all i have left are just ghost.. n now.. it feels like i got nobody to talk to.. it feels like i have no close ones anymore.. everyone have slipped away.. why? y do i feel this way? what have i done? or rather.. what am i doing? my phone.. is quiet like hell.. even if im online.. i will have to hunt smbody to talk to me.. but eventhough i hunt, i cant find any prey.. this is dreadful.. i cant smile anymore.. becoz i only smile for my loved ones.. but now.. it feels like i never had any.. issit becoz im no use for those ppl anymore.. thats y i feel it this way.. if tats the case, ppl have been using me? y do i feel that way? becoz every single time ppl needs me to talk with, they will be there.. acting nice.. n i will always be there.. trying hard to be there.. to hear those ppl cry, to listen to their problems, to crack my head n try to solve their problem, to try to get them to smile, to betray smone else n save a friend, to betray the trust of a friend to save another so called friend.. but if they found smone else for all that.. i am in no use anymore.. or issit im user friendly.. easy to use.. but once not use-able, off u go to the trash can.. what have i become? i think im spoilt.. i am so afraid of ppl that i cant believe in ppl anymore.. if i trust, always been betrayed.. stabbed in the back.. what have i done?? i will never say stuff bout ppl i trust.. but y the ppl i trust do it to me? must i trust them? am i trust-able? i always trying my best to keep wat need to be kept.. ive always try my best to be the trust-worthy to the ppl who see me that way n trust me.. but wat have i done for them to turn against me? wat have i done? y do ppl get close to me n den there they go.. y? issit they tot im smone trust-able, but they were wrong.. if so wat have i done? ive been trying.. n keep trying to keep my friends.. but one by one.. walk off... as a result.. i dont trust ppl anymore.. i dont even know if i should trust my close ones..omg..wat have i become.. i feel like im a beast.. a self fish beast who live for himself.. n will not explore the world.. but stay in a dark cave by himself.. n let the days past by while his body rot.. y am i is so melancholy? i feel like talking to ppl.. but who can i trust? must i start believing in ppl? but wat if they dagger me in the back? wat if im just a user friendly thing to them? where have Nuzli been? Nuzli always trust ppl.. always been smilling with ppl.. but now he had vanished.. in thin air.. or in the woods.. in the dark cave.. whatever it is... ill just wait.. under the heavily pouring rain.. to be sheltered again.. by a friend who i see thy as saint..

Noozlie 11:00 PM

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

can smone who is bloody hard working and who believes in him/herself defeat a prodigy? well my answer is, its possible. coz in the end of the day.. both are humans.. both have the same organs.. both have brains.. y do misicians get demoralised easily? when i first started out in NAFA.. i dun even know how to play major scales.. dun even know how to double tongue.. nv tried before.. when i first started out in nafa, in band practises, i only manage to sight read 1 bar.. n my tone suck to the freaking core.. well i can see my PS teacher gave up on me.. practically gave up.. n my class will be the shortest, because my ps teacher gave up on me.. but that didnt stop me.. when i got in year 1.. there are freaking good players around.. they are damn good.. they played the flute for 10 years while ive only played for 3+ years that time.. its is so demoralising.. smhow i tot, ive chose the wrong path of study.. but.. friends around me keep supporting me.. for me.. without those good players in sch.. i wont improve.. smhow i change the disadvantage to an advantage for me.. from getting demoralise over knowing there are super human flautist in sch, i challenge myself to be as good as them.. and so.. i didnt give up.. n keep on going.. eventhough my ps teacher gave up on me.. smhow i change everything the othher way round.. i work hard and show him wrong.. well actually to the standard i am now, i am quite proud of myself.. to play challenging repertoire.. u know something.. last time, i always tot its imposible, until i got it.. n thet i learn, that it is impossible.. today.... 2 student in sch was upset coz their ps teacher either chase them out or tell tem to give up... i told them both, they totally 4got to what is the feeling of hardship to get there.. coz they r now fucking good.. well i conclude with them 4getting the hardship they had when my ps teacher gave up on me.. but that doesnt stop me.. i'll make sure i prove him wrong.. n now, im half way there.. well dun get demoralise or upset or the feeling of giving up by just that.. dont be a pussy.. ahahaha.. show them that tey were definitely wrong.. show what u can do... show who u realy are.. for me.. i have an ambition.. to prove the world that smone who is hardworking can defeat a prodigy. well its not an easy ambition to achieve.. well i believe in myself.. n keep going and will nv give up...

Noozlie 8:57 AM

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